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Men and Women

June 19th, 2007
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Saw this post, but no credit is given since I heard this one years ago, and thus the poster is NOT the original author.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

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What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps in to?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that
means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

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As found on http://www.jasonbartholme.com, Here is a list of 101 ways to annoy your co-workers:

  1. Leave a stack of old applications and a note saying, “Install these”
  2. Staple your reports in the wrong corner
  3. Put tape over the mouse optics
  4. Unplug a co-worker’s monitor
  5. Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask
  6. Turn your earphones up all the way
  7. Burn popcorn in the microwave
  8. “Forget” to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge
  9. Turn up the beep volume of the copier
  10. Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier
  11. Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier
  12. Practice beat boxing
  13. Sing show tunes
  14. Hang up the phone before they say, “good bye”
  15. Slurp hot coffee during meetings
  16. Walk around the office barefooted
  17. Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon
  18. Misplace peoples pens
  19. Insert a 3.5” disk before they turn on their computer
  20. Glue their mouse to the desk
  21. Leave an open can of tuna in their desk
  22. Make a screenshot of their desktop and use it as their screensaver
  23. Turn up the contrast on their monitor
  24. Talk in a funny accent
  25. Use goofy event sounds for your programs
  26. Chant, “Yeay, I got mail!!” every time you get a new email
  27. Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox
  28. Send flowers from one co-worker to another
  29. Start your car remotely when someone walk by it
  30. Insist on people to have a great morning
  31. Leave hole punches all over
  32. Leave your lunch garbage in other people’s cans
  33. After each sip give a refreshing, “Ahhh”
  34. Put salt on someone’s mouse pad
  35. Set a password on someone’s screensaver
  36. Carry on a conversation with someone two cubes down
  37. Smirk when a co-worker walks by
  38. Eat half of someone’s lunch
  39. Swap co-worker’s chairs
  40. Fake stomach flu during a meeting and need to abruptly leave three or four times
  41. Stare deeply into your co-workers eyes when they talk to you
  42. Take all the ice out of the community freezer
  43. Listen to comedy tracks and laugh hysterically
  44. Hit all the floor buttons when you leave the elevator
  45. Make hissing sounds into the phone and insist you have a bad connection
  46. Flip the left and right mouse button defaults
  47. Take out the ball in the mouse
  48. Eat sunflower seeds
  49. Tell a long story without a point
  50. Tell a co-worker you liked their hair better last week
  51. Anonymously send flowers to a random co-worker
  52. Bring Cheetos for food days
  53. Drag your feet when you walk down the halls
  54. Exclaim your co-worker didn’t wash his hands when leaving the restroom
  55. Eat stinky foods when you have lunch at your desk
  56. Practice drumming on your desk
  57. Use too many paper clips
  58. Fill out your time sheets incorrectly
  59. Set your mobile phone to an obnoxious ring tone
  60. Forward chain letters and other spam to co-workers
  61. Express your political views at length
  62. Whisper loudly
  63. Come to work sick
  64. Drink the last cup of coffee without making a new pot
  65. Answer your mobile during meetings
  66. Stand over someone while they are on the phone
  67. Sneak up behind someone
  68. Mess with the thermostat
  69. Give everyone a pistol wink when they walk by
  70. Gradually turn down the volume on someone’s phone
  71. Leave unusual print outs on the printer
  72. Throw out other people’s prints
  73. Juggle office supplies
  74. Write all your memos on bright colored paper
  75. Be overly nice to people
  76. Hide whiteboard erasers
  77. Chew gum while talking on the phone
  78. Regularly update everyone on the current weather
  79. Read your emails aloud
  80. Leave the fridge open
  81. Shake up cans of pop in the fridge
  82. Leave fingerprints on the copier glass
  83. Whistle all day long
  84. Wear too much cologne/perfume
  85. Type loudly
  86. Wear bright colored clothes
  87. Give everyone a nickname from a TV show
  88. Do the sneaky walk around the office
  89. Peer over the cube and wait for a co-worker to look up and notice
  90. Use the intercom and page yourself
  91. Swap the regular and decaf coffee
  92. Hide the sugar and creamer
  93. Type emails in uppercase and excessive punctuation
  94. Refer to your garbage can as your in-box
  95. Stick pencils to the ceiling in other people’s offices
  96. Throw a bouncy ball in your office
  97. Tell the same story over and over
  98. Imitate regular sounds like a disc drive opening, door slamming or a mouse click
  99. Talk to your monitor as if it was a person
  100. Schedule meetings at 4:00pm
  101. Talk loudly with your earphones on when someone comes to talk to you

New category

May 3rd, 2007
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Well its been a while since my last post.

Life for us has been a rollercoaster lately, and we just have not had the energy to go and see or do anything blog-worthy.

So I thought maybe I’d add a joke category, and any good jokes I either get sent or see on the net I’ll share here with everyone. If you want to send one in, just email me at brutusATbrutuswebDOTcom.

Where possible, I will credit what I know about original authors and/or contributors.

So without any further fuss or muss, here is number one:

Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and
asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two
missing teeth,

“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his

knees so that he’s on her level and asks,

“Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a
tiny quiet voice,

“I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

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