Mortal Combat Soundboard
From this tweet:
lusciouspandora: Link: Maxim Makes Mortal Kombat Announcer Say "Tickle Him!" - Voice Talent - Kotaku - This is far more amusing to me than it has any right to be…
Men and Women
Saw this post, but no credit is given since I heard this one years ago, and thus the poster is NOT the original author.
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
What starts in F, ends in K
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
101 Ways to Annoy Your Co-workers
As found on http://www.jasonbartholme.com, Here is a list of 101 ways to annoy your co-workers:
- Leave a stack of old applications and a note saying, “Install these”
- Staple your reports in the wrong corner
- Put tape over the mouse optics
- Unplug a co-worker’s monitor
- Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask
- Turn your earphones up all the way
- Burn popcorn in the microwave
- “Forget” to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge
- Turn up the beep volume of the copier
- Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier
- Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier
- Practice beat boxing
- Sing show tunes
- Hang up the phone before they say, “good bye”
- Slurp hot coffee during meetings
- Walk around the office barefooted
- Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon
- Misplace peoples pens
- Insert a 3.5” disk before they turn on their computer
- Glue their mouse to the desk
- Leave an open can of tuna in their desk
- Make a screenshot of their desktop and use it as their screensaver
- Turn up the contrast on their monitor
- Talk in a funny accent
- Use goofy event sounds for your programs
- Chant, “Yeay, I got mail!!” every time you get a new email
- Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox
- Send flowers from one co-worker to another
- Start your car remotely when someone walk by it
- Insist on people to have a great morning
- Leave hole punches all over
- Leave your lunch garbage in other people’s cans
- After each sip give a refreshing, “Ahhh”
- Put salt on someone’s mouse pad
- Set a password on someone’s screensaver
- Carry on a conversation with someone two cubes down
- Smirk when a co-worker walks by
- Eat half of someone’s lunch
- Swap co-worker’s chairs
- Fake stomach flu during a meeting and need to abruptly leave three or four times
- Stare deeply into your co-workers eyes when they talk to you
- Take all the ice out of the community freezer
- Listen to comedy tracks and laugh hysterically
- Hit all the floor buttons when you leave the elevator
- Make hissing sounds into the phone and insist you have a bad connection
- Flip the left and right mouse button defaults
- Take out the ball in the mouse
- Eat sunflower seeds
- Tell a long story without a point
- Tell a co-worker you liked their hair better last week
- Anonymously send flowers to a random co-worker
- Bring Cheetos for food days
- Drag your feet when you walk down the halls
- Exclaim your co-worker didn’t wash his hands when leaving the restroom
- Eat stinky foods when you have lunch at your desk
- Practice drumming on your desk
- Use too many paper clips
- Fill out your time sheets incorrectly
- Set your mobile phone to an obnoxious ring tone
- Forward chain letters and other spam to co-workers
- Express your political views at length
- Whisper loudly
- Come to work sick
- Drink the last cup of coffee without making a new pot
- Answer your mobile during meetings
- Stand over someone while they are on the phone
- Sneak up behind someone
- Mess with the thermostat
- Give everyone a pistol wink when they walk by
- Gradually turn down the volume on someone’s phone
- Leave unusual print outs on the printer
- Throw out other people’s prints
- Juggle office supplies
- Write all your memos on bright colored paper
- Be overly nice to people
- Hide whiteboard erasers
- Chew gum while talking on the phone
- Regularly update everyone on the current weather
- Read your emails aloud
- Leave the fridge open
- Shake up cans of pop in the fridge
- Leave fingerprints on the copier glass
- Whistle all day long
- Wear too much cologne/perfume
- Type loudly
- Wear bright colored clothes
- Give everyone a nickname from a TV show
- Do the sneaky walk around the office
- Peer over the cube and wait for a co-worker to look up and notice
- Use the intercom and page yourself
- Swap the regular and decaf coffee
- Hide the sugar and creamer
- Type emails in uppercase and excessive punctuation
- Refer to your garbage can as your in-box
- Stick pencils to the ceiling in other people’s offices
- Throw a bouncy ball in your office
- Tell the same story over and over
- Imitate regular sounds like a disc drive opening, door slamming or a mouse click
- Talk to your monitor as if it was a person
- Schedule meetings at 4:00pm
- Talk loudly with your earphones on when someone comes to talk to you
New category
Well its been a while since my last post.
Life for us has been a rollercoaster lately, and we just have not had the energy to go and see or do anything blog-worthy.
So I thought maybe I'd add a joke category, and any good jokes I either get sent or see on the net I'll share here with everyone. If you want to send one in, just email me at brutusATbrutuswebDOTcom.
Where possible, I will credit what I know about original authors and/or contributors.
So without any further fuss or muss, here is number one:
Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and
asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two
missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a
tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."